Traumatic Incidents

This is a difficult challenge / post that has been brought up today. And, because I was just discussing with Geoff last night the importance of being honest when blogging, I feel obligated to do just that. I have posted a minor piece of this incident here. I have vowed to never post about this EVER. But I do believe there is a message that should be shared.

When I was younger I fell in love for the first time and ran away to California. I was young, immature and totally clueless. When this relationship ended I was beyond devastated. I was lost, hurt and broken.

I moved back home with minimal self esteem and began dating someone much older than me. Someone who could not remind me physically about what I didn't have. He was the transition guy. A guy that I will never name in this space. EVER.

Abuse comes at you like fog. You sense it there and yet you think you have time to get out before it completely surrounds you. I had attempted once to end the relationship after having a long conversation with a very dear friend of mine. When I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't healthy any longer I made the phone call to explain that we just were not meant to be together. It did not go well at all.

When he arrived an hour later at her apartment with flowers and M&M's in tears I felt terrible. How could I do that to someone? I relented and the relationship resumed. Over the next several months I was on an extremely short leash. I was living in a dump and I felt very suffocated. I was verbally abused on a daily basis. I was ugly, fat, stupid and useless. What I really was, was trapped. I had friends, good friends coming to visit me all the time. They would only come when they knew he wasn't there. I didn't realize that back then. They would try to convince me to leave. I couldn't see what they were seeing.

One weekend I made the decision that I was going to visit a friend for the weekend. I needed air. I needed time away. This visit allowed me the opportunity to finally see what I had been missing. I was missing out on my life. I was planning to make the biggest mistake of my life by marrying someone I had no passion for. I felt whole, I felt like me, I felt free. Driving home that day I knew what I had to do. And believe me when I decide that I'm going to do something move on out of the way. There was no stopping me.

I ended that relationship and moved into my parents house with the promise that I would not be there any longer than two weeks. I found an apartment in a week. 157 Central Ave. It was beautiful, it was all mine and I was living on my own for the very first time in my life. When I saw him coming up the stairs that night I knew it was not going to go well. I was scared and angry all at the same time. How dare you come into my new life and threaten me? The things he screamed at me that night were terrible, humiliating and disgusting. I could only imagine what my neighbors thought of me. It was awful.

My biggest mistake was thinking I could get away with snipping my engagement ring, chipping out the diamonds, taping it to a piece of paper that said: I hope this fits better on  your finger then it ever did on mine. I got caught leaving that little gem for him. So when he grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the wall I was a little surprised. The beating that ensued left me blinded with pain. I have failed to mention that I'm at a radio station in a sound proof room where they record the commercials. Nobody could hear me. I thought I was going to die.

I crawled out of that room on my hands and knees and hid under the DJ's desk begging him to help me. I can't even imagine what was going through his head that night. He wanted to take me to the hospital and I just wanted to go home. I had black ribs, hand prints on my neck, wall marks on my back and bruises up and down both arms. I went to see my parents the following day in a turtle neck. Abuse, is so stupid. It makes you think nobody knows what is going on with you.

My mother and I went down to the police station that following day. I was terrified. Wasn't it my fault? I did do a really shitty thing. Did I deserve the outcome? Abuse, takes away your core and leaves you a weakling. I had to show a judge my bruises when I filed for a restraining order. I was mortified. Abuse, makes you feel that going through this process is not worth it. The judge ordered me to go to the hospital where photographs and a physical could be conducted. I was so embarrassed. It wasn't that bad. Abuse, makes you think its not that bad only because your alive to tell the story.

If there is one promise that I have kept to myself it is that nothing like that was ever going to happen to me again. No man, was ever going to put their hands on me that way again.

Mental and Physical Abuse make you deaf. If you are in a situation and you feel hopeless you are not alone. If your gut is telling you this is  not right, it probably isn't. If it hurts you physically and emotionally it is not OK. If you are scared I beg you to seek help. If you know somebody who is going through this I urge you with every fiber in my being to make them see their situation. It could save their life.

I hate this post. I'm upset that I've put it out there. That one incident does not and did not define who I am as a person today. It was just one little blip in my time that brought me to bigger and better things.