Something Different

Today's Post is brought to you by the letter M for Me. And the color  PINK because it is my signature color. "My two colors are Blush and Bashful" And this post is for all you bloggerites out there that feel the amazing sense of insecurity that I feel on a daily basis and try to avoid. I mean avoid like, mirrors, chips, cakes, booze and a giant plate of pasta with thick yummy sauce and extra salt. This is for you Sass-a-Frass.

I am turning 40 in just a few months. This single thought tosses me into a Vulcan Mind Meld. 4-T, Forty, Four!!!!! Tea! I have no F'n idea where my life has gone. And, have I really done anything that has made the world a better place? Am I suppose to? And, not only is it bad enough that I'm turning the BIG Four - Oh, I'm constantly reminded by the TV, Clothing Stores, Magazines, Make-Up counters that I am extremely inadequate. On what grounds I say! What grounds do "they" base there scientific evidence on?

If I spend $600 a month I can buy and eat frozen / processed foods and lose the weight I've always wanted to lose. Or, drink a shake for breakfast and lunch. Or as Carole claimed from Right Size Smoothie - she lost 12 pounds in just one week and has never felt better. Give us try for two weeks free and if you don't agree we'll give you your money back. Have your credit card ready now Wait...what? 12 pounds in one week? Isn't that bad? Where is the scientific proof stating that this is OK? Why is my life swirling with infomercials at every turn? I can do trials for the dark circles slash bags slash black marks under my eyes. Although this may induce major vomiting, stomach ulcers, festering soars and the ever dreaded.....anal leakage. First, well there is only one comment. I would never try a product EVER if it was going to cause that. Trust me - I ate those chips made with Olestra. It only takes one time people, one time. So, lets discuss the weight issue first on our list of insecurities as it is always at the forefront of my pea brain.

I have a horrible issue with my weight. My biggest critic? Me. I blame my paranoid state on Gymnastics. Horrible sport for any one with boobs. Cause they are just "fat collecting on your body" or so I was told. And my stomach that I jokingly named "Ponchus Marounchus" I am French and my stomach is somehow Mexican [or am I suppose to say of Latin Decent? Hispanic? Sorry....dos thou fend? I spent ALL and I mean ALL of my twenties doing the following. Vegan, Soup Diet more than once, Baked not Fried and exploring the divine invention of SnackWell cookies. I transitioned into my thirties guzzling SlimFast, MetaboLife and going full on Atkins. And here I sit somehow shuffling up that mountain of life and none of that crap did anything for me except make me afraid that I was going to have a heart attack, stroke, or some other abnormality. I tend to put weight on in 2 very noticeable places. My face - and my mid section. Which according to the lovely clothing industry makes me an apple and apparently I should wear low cut moo-mooos to flatter my figure. These dirty rotten bastards do nothing to help your self image as a size 12 in one store is a size 2 in another and a 22 in another. And did you ladies know this!!! If you wear a size 12 YOU yes YOU! are OBESE. Wait what? Based on what scientific evidence?

And there you stand in a dressing room trying on bathing suits with horrible lighting staring at yourself in all your glory. And it starts, you turn to the right, to the left, back to the front, at your toes all the way up to the tip your head, to your arms - right, left, spin again. Looking, picking apart, looking, looking over looking back, looking again. Making mental notes of all the flaws that you see within yourself. Stomach way to fat for a 2 piece what the hell were you thinking Orka? Just look at how broad your shoulders are, your tree trunk legs, your football arms and giant boobs that don't fit into anything properly. Look at your chin, your calves seriously? You're going to put on a bathing suit looking like this? How can you expose yourself to the outside world like this. For the love of God woman save the people and yourself!!! NEVER EVER wear a bathing suit when innocent people can see you!!!

Sound familiar? Well today's post is my teenie weeenie itsy bitsy yellow polk-a-dot bakini...that she wore for the first time. And that is when it occurred to me. If you're going to shred apart a thousand different areas of yourself you best start finding something that your happy with. And, if you truly are that disgusted with yourself then do something about it. You know something else? Nobody is looking at you with all that criticism. Do you know what I hear from people all the time. "When I first met you I was so intimidated by you." "You have a powerful personality" "I would never believe for a second that you are shy!! That is a lie."

That is not a lie. That is the plain truth. I've gotten better but it rears its ugly head every once and awhile. My defense? Start making them laugh. Right out of the gate. If you're pissing your pants laughing and I don't know you. Rest assured I'm pooping mine. Small talk isn't my bag. I like to get to the meat of conversation. Tell me something extraordinary about you. This takes the spot lite off of me and gives me enough time to toss back a little courage. I also hate asking for help. In any way shape or form. This is a sign of failure, even if the help being offered is purely an act of kindness. I take it as someone trying to pull the rug out from under me and I'll be dammed if I'm not gonna yank the rug and the floor boards out from under you if given the chance. I walk into a room of strangers and I'm a nervous wreck. What if my eye starts to twitch? Do I have anything between my teeth? [that's an appropriate question as according to some I can hide a whole head of broccoli between my two front teeth! - sorry inside joke] Bat in the cave? Lipstick curdled up on the sides of face? Nose hair? One stray Einstein hair sticking straight up? Shirt to tight? Gut sticking out? Do I look like a hillbilly dirty nasty girl pretending to be something she's not? Ummmmm definitely not! a hillbilly. And in most strange situations am certainly pretending to be someone I'm not. My Great Big BOLLICkY Life!

ugggg this is tiring - all this sharing. And even now I'm contemplating on whether or not I will even post this. To sum up, even though I'm going to be 40, Four - Tea, 4 - T I'm still learning. I'm still trying. I still F it up major once in awhile. But that is me. This is me - outside of the painting, crafting, photography happy and lightness with a splash of sadness that I post on here. To honest? To real? Never...because if you know me know me, you already know this about ME