Maine "The Way Life Should Be"

What the tourist can't read in the fine print is "Now turn around and go home." Us Mainers take a lot of heat from our tourist. We are berated, belittled and called ignorant yankees. Please take heed folks we may be dumb but thats just a disguise.

As we crawl just a wee bit closer to the tourist season I thought I would put a Maine Guide together for you titled - Surviving Maine When You're From Away.

Introduction: Welcome to the lovely State of Maine. Although history tells us that we were an exclave of Massacheusetts rest assured that our affiliation ended in 1820 when we became the 23rd state under the Missouri Compromise. Please note that although Maine enjoys a healthy tourist season your money does not keep us a float. Therefore, you do not have justification to act like an idiot or disrespect us because you think you are superior to our way of living.

Enjoy Your Stay!
Sincerely
The Residents Integration Gaining Ground of Econmic Recovery - Helping All Peoples Productivley Yield

or

TRIGGER HAPPY

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:

1.1 Integrating with the Locals - This process takes years and will most likely never happen to you. Unless you are a relative and then you are on the "strong" maybe list. If you want a sense of our personality then read the following story and remember it for future reference:

"Once while visiting friends in East Port Maine and after having breakfast at the diner we were standing in the parking lot essentially gossiping. The topic of conversation was surrounding a breakup and how crazy his ex-girlfriend had become. She went from being a heartbroken girlfriend to maybe we should advise her to move a town over. Maybe the town of Perry would be able to handle her. As this was agreed on we saw her driving down the road past the diner, honk her horn waving to all of us to which every single one of us waived back smiling."

Whats the moral of this story? When you're out, you're out forever. If you'rE from away we will "pretend" that we like you but you should know....we probably don't like you as much as you think.

2.0.7 Maine Tax - We will TAX the crap out of you - Unlike our friendly neighbor New Hampshire we don't rightly give a darn if you live free and/or die. If you don't like the service in Maine there are five other New England states you can visit or better yet, stay home. You should anticipate being taxed on the following but not limited to: Blueberries, Ciggarettes, Hospital, Mahogany Quahog, Milk, Potatos, Fuel, General Service and Provider Use, Lodging, Prepared Food, Auto Rental and Tobacco. Enjoy your stay.

3.1 Respect Our Roads: Contrary to popular belief we do not live in the sticks and we do not drive a horse and buggy. Mainers actually enjoy the same driving luxuries as our Southern Counterparts although we may pimp our ride a little better than what you are use to. The state of Maine enjoys a four lane highway all the way up to the Portland area with speed limits maxing out at 65mph. We pass on the left and we DO NOT drive in the breakdown lane. If you tail gate us with our favorite hunting dog in the back rest assured we will forget where the gas peddle is and drive in the fast lane just to piss you off.

4.75 Get your own MAP - We don't give a rats patootie where you're going and further more can't be bothered to give you correct directions. Our folks are not responsible for your lack of preparations. It would be like us asking you when we should harvest the cranberry bogg. You don't rightly know nor do you care.

5.1 Whoopie we got EAZY-PASS - This does not mean you can come screaming down our highways while talking on your blue tooth, pounding back your Dunkin Donuts coffee and taking pictures of the scenery. Maine has a healthy wild life population. Some of that population is larger in size than others. This especially goes for Moose, Deer and oddly enough, Turkeys. The further North you go the greater your risk. Don't ever accuse us of you not being warned.

8.6.7.5.3.0.9 - The Outlet Malls - On route 1 will be closed for the 2012 summer season for renovations. Check back next year for updates.
Again we appreciate you coming to visit us and we always look forward to the weekend after Labor Day. You should see the party we throw. Take your trash, weed your boats, don't drink and drive, don't yell at us for having our dogs, buy our flannel, eat our blueberries, drink our vodka, kayak our rivers - streams and oceans then please kindly pack your bags and leave.