A Cranium Rectal Interface

Definition: Having ones head in his/her own ass.

I mentioned a while back that I was embarking on an exercise journey. Remember??? Anybody?

In April of this year I started my first round of P90X. "Extreme Fitness". I'm here to tell you that Extreme is a total understatement. You see mentally in my little brain I was only "slightly" out of shape. I was the one calorie of out of shape. Today I testify that I was beyond a train wreck. I completed this 13 week / 90 days of utter hell. You should know that I did not complete this without much wailing, crying and protesting. I, am inherently lazy. Nothing pleases me more than sitting down on a Saturday Morning and watching cartoons. I'm all about Warner Brothers baby. Any time I can watch Daffy Duck get his bill knocked off his face is pure blissful entertainment.

Not only was this the most insane program I've ever done! Try working out in 90 - 100 degree weather! Oh yeah I'm telling you straight up there were moments when my face was so hot I could feel the skin detaching from its little frame. I had more sweat flinging from my head, nose, arms, legs and other very unmentionable areas. The only time I ever felt that kind of heat emanating of my body was when I ran 2 miles in snow shoes because the dude got smacked with porcupine. Upon my arrival I had steam pouring out of my jacket to which I said why does it smell like a sauna in here. Then realized it was me. When I arrived at the Emergency Vet in my snow pants, gators, fleece lined jacket mittens and polar tech gloves they asked me if this happened in the yard? Yeah my face is this red from standing in my yard. Here's your sign.

I was looking forward to cooler weather. Maybe not eliminating my entire bodies worth of water and sodium in an hours workout. I've read blogs, watched videos on peoples amazing transformations and wondering what the heck I was doing wrong? Am I not working hard enough? Am I not eating right? According to some of these stories I should be shredded like a MoFo. I should have a waist line equivalent to a Barbie Doll. So I started doing doubles on my second round.

And I have failed to mention that during this entire time there isn't a day that goes by where I am not in total agony. My calve muscles have literally screamed at me to just SITDOWN!!! stop with the madness. And don't get me started on the second half of yoga. I love yoga but if you're a tad thick in the middle with Gods blessings in your upper regions doing PLOW is almost a death defying act. Suffocation is near my friends but I kept trying it for the better good of my physique. I have on the other hand perfected corpse. All these little moves are little reminders of the fact that I was once in excellent shape. And every move I cannot do reminds me of how totally out of shape I'm in.

At the tender age of 14 I was dared that I couldn't bench press 100lbs. I laughed in their faces and made them lay the money on the table. I defied the odds and shamed a 16 year old boy into pure submission. This was followed up with clapping push ups [I won] and one arm push ups [I won that too] Now? Well now I'm just happy I can do a push up without my brittle bones breaking down into a cloud of dust. I would like to do these exercises like a rock star but I'm sorry I NEED TO MODIFY!

And what is even worse?? I can't stop. I get jittery, I feel terrible, I get moody, I become a total bitch. And regardless of how sore I am because hey I lifted 20lb dumb bells and cranked out 97 chin ups and 143 push ups of all versions. And they were not on my knees. Waaaaaaaaachaaaaaaaa! My joy does tend to fade slightly when ab ripper X appears. I'm still trying to figure out exactly when my arms shrunk because I just can't seem to get them to touch the ground. And when did an ab workout involve inflammation and searing pain to your hip flexors. Can't I just spray tan the muscles onto my body? Many swears are conjured up during this 16 minute session that feels more like torture than getting in shape. My dislike for those do gooders out there who work out at every possible minute in their day has grown to an epic proportion. I didn't much like you before I started this program and I really don't like you now.

So now I pump Aleve on a daily basis. I go to bed as if I'm already quartered off in the Geriatric Ward. I glare with disdain the finely sculpted bodies jumping around on my TV screen and I'm still awaiting the day when I too shall be part of the upper echelons of "Extreme" bodies. Of all the workouts I've done in my adult life this is truly the most challenging. But I do long for the days of eating Salt N Vinegar chips watching movies. I really really miss those days.

Dam you genetics..