220,752,000 seconds

there isn't a moment that you have not been in the front of my mind. after seven years i sometimes find myself standing in the same exact spot. lost and wanting to have you back. wanting and wishing for a time machine so i can hug you and snuggle you.

i think it is hard to explain to people who don't understand. i stopped doing that a long time ago. i figure they don't know true love and i actually feel sorry for them. i feel sorry that they don't know the secret. and i truly believe that this little secret in the dog world far surpasses the beauty of motherhood. but, i say that not knowing motherhood so what do i really know?

Schultz gave me so much. He taught me things i didn't have a clue about. Patience, Compassion, Trust, more Patience but most of all he taught me how to love openly and with all of my heart. ( well, the combination of Geoff and Schultz helped me with that if i'm being honest ) but the love i have still for him is so alive and real.

when we first lost Schultz i would wonder how long this was going to last. how long will i feel like i'm suffocating in my own shell! how long will it take to feel ok? if i could just get to being ok i would soon not feel like i was buried alive. it destroyed me. and after all this time. after all of these seconds, it is hard to admit that it's still there. like a giant paper weight ready to smash down on my head.

what i never realized was how much of you, they take with them. something changes in your core. it's beyond the life record scratch. it digs deep and says to bad, you can't have this part of you anymore. the light doesn't shine as bright. and you think. i'm a grown up (insert laughing) i'm supposed to be able to handle this with grace and dignity why am i acting like an infant? heart crushing, sole destruction is not easy to recover from. and yet i know that my future holds many more of these moments.

i think it is hard not to think about those moments although i try to pause the giant fuck off button in my head to make it stop. the hardest part is realizing that if you had only known how fast it was going to go would you have appreciated it more? and once you know and appreciate that, it is very hard to absorb every second and still not come out with the same result. it is flying by. and it is flying at plaid speed.

i understand the words that Geoff says to me. when he tells me that you can enjoy the now and enjoy what they give you during the time they are with us. i truly do understand that. it doesn't mean i have to like it nor does it feel fair to me. i think the most beautiful and cruelest thing god or whatever gave us was a dog. because my love for them goes all the way to the depths of my being. and i can admit. i am afraid sometimes. and maybe that's the part of adulting that we don't get. we don't think it's ok to feel like that. i don't know.....

anyway, i digress. the point is i miss you Schultzy. i love you and not a second goes by without you in my heart every single day.

until we meet again mr. fuzzy pants
xo
mummy