The Grocery Store

pardon me while i blabberate on the grocery store:

my mother always said to never "hate" that it is a strong word and you should use "dislike intensely" well i've surpassed my intense dislike and spring/sprang/sprung shot myself through the hate line. 

most of us attempt to manage our day by doing one little teeny tiny good deed that will earn us a teeny tiny god point hopefully making up for all the crap we pulled during our teenage years. i find that the grocery store is essentially the jack pot of g-points if you pay enough attention. 

why! why do people randomly leave their carts in the middle of the isle? were they kidnapped? abducted by aliens? had a sudden case of the flatulence? option "c" shouldn't count really because i have walked through my fair share of crop dusters. or what about the people who seem to be going through major calculus equations while deciding on [fill in any grocery item ]. 

"hmmmmm" i really don't know, do i want the red label or the blue label. just make up your f'n mind and move on. if five cents is gonna break your bank and not allow you to fill your gas tank go with the generic brand and set yourself free! 

how about those people who casually walk in the way of everybody while talking on their cell phone. "oh yes margie that was a wonderful dinner party you hosted last night. yes i'm at the grocery store i just needed to clear my head. did you see that article on butter? i think i'll go with the olivio, no margerine, no country crock, noooooo oh i just don't know. what was that spread you used again? 

it’s called move!!! your non butter lovin country crock hatin cart and self out of my way so i can take my fully loaded butter and get on with my life!

or how about the people who walk down the isle dressed to the nines or tens or one hundreds holding their head slightly high enough that you can see their nose hair while they walk as if they are the only person shopping in the store? i hate these people. they reduce me to childish anger like, let me try and stuff these marshmallows up your nose maybe that will bring you down to civilization. because lets be real. you may live in a mansion overlooking york beach but you're here like the rest of us shopping for food. put your head in its normal position and by the way you really shouldn't wear that color lipstick. 

how about the clingeroners? you know the ones. you can't get past them. they have annoyed you to a level of needing to call 911. you finally break free from their trail of sluggishness. a moment of calm comes over you and bam! there they are. i have actually moved to the other end of a store because the thought of ramming my cart into their heels seemed a bit over the edge. 

what are the rules of engagement? when you're walking down the isle there is a giant stand of kashi on sale. you know why there is so much of it and why it's on sale? because it taste like crap! just get rid of it. you see someone else coming down the isle from the opposite direction. it now becomes a grocery isle chicken to see who is going to make it past first. with women; come on! can't we at least agree to the fact that we all hate being there? it would be nice if just for once someone looked at me and said "after you" call me mam and i'm likely to grow fangs, talons and spew vomit in  your face. with men; you're the worst offenders! you just casually push your cart like i'm lost and i've been down this isle one hundred and fifty times. which granted "is" frustrating but map you're route grasshoppah and show some friggen chivalry for christ sakes. 

what about the people who don't see you standing in line out of the way because you are trying not to block the gateway to the other end of the store and they just booop. pop there little selves’ right in front of you. as if  any woman goes to the grocery store with a fully loaded cart and stands just out line because being there is so enjoyable. and after you have cursed them for all eternity and their spawns they suddenly feel the "hate" emanating out of your soul and say all doe eyed like. "oh! were you in line?" 

no you friggin cutter! i'm the fuckin hall monitor for people who bring more than fourteen items into the "four-teeen" items or less line. wanna see my badge?

and then you know what we start to do when we are in line? if you say you've never done this you're a total liar. we judge. after deciding that the grocery store is a sociological nightmare designed to shred even the most tolerant of tolerants person of their self worth, we judge. we casually look them up and down. from the tip of their heads right down to their shoes. we think things like...hmmmf nice bottle job, last time i saw a strawberry turtle neck i was in seventh grade, that belt is hideous, yes your ass actually looks bad in those ripped bleach spotted jeans. what did you do order online from saved by the bell? really you're wearing burks? what the hell. 

and after you rake them through the coals of all their fashion failings your eyes gently slide over to their grocery cart. hmmmmf. not a lot of vegetables in there. to many surgery cereals, ohh and i see you have an ice cream fetish. fish sticks for real? you've suddenly become the next candidate for the surgeon general and highest ranking member of the FDA. then they buy a magazine for healthy living and you think what the eff? are you bi-polar? maybe i should include clinical psychologist too.

because that is what the grocery store does to you. it beats you down. so think about it the next time you are grocery shopping. are you a good shopper? or a bad shopper? if you feel eyes are boring into the nape of your neck and a cold shiver down your back that is probably me judging you!

Cadbury fetch me my drink!!