What Are The Rules?

The other day while driving home I almost hit a human being. Irregardless of his iridescent neon green walking shirt, water bottle and tight walking pants. I nearly grazed this man with the front end of my bumper. Now I have written about this very topic once before. You can read my incensed rant here.

I think the biggest disappointment in life is that nobody tells you about all the ass-holes festering in the universe. Then again nobody told those ass-holes that I was coming so I suppose the balance remains in tact. However, I'm making a right hand turn, I'm looking to my left, Twinkle Toes is nowhere in sight and then like the butler from Mr. Deebs....there he was. My first thought was to put the car in park, get out and kick him right in his padded tights. Cause if you think I scared you!!! Riddle me this readers...Who walks in front of a car with its blinker on to turn right and can visibly see that the driver is looking left?? Wouldn't you wait to at least acknowledge the fact that the driver does indeed see your Protective Crossing Guard wannabe shirt??? Maybe walk behind the vehicle? There are two cops in my town I'm sure they are not going to write you up for J-walking - I'm pretty sure they can see you from space in that shirt. And I'm all for safety people really I am. But when did it become my responsibility to worry about my actions and the actions of stupid people. Stupid People and Assholes although similar in nature come from two VERY different islands of despair. Sometimes when I read news articles about someone flipping out on a person because they have 20 items in the 12 or Less express lane I think. How long has that person been responsible for Stupid People and Assholes actions? How Long?

I consider myself a well rounded, well adjusted person. (Just ask me, I'll tell you so) I think my parents did an ok job of not f'boming my life up so I can't blame them for EVERYTHING!!! Which is really a shame cause it takes all the fun out of it. My siblings took care of where my parents fell short so I suppose not all is lost. But, I can't take these people anymore. Can we put a chip in them? Tag them somehow? I can download an App for Stupid-People and Assholes. It will let me know how many I've passed and direct me to safer havens. Maybe it will have a laser in it and I can just faaaaayyyyyyyZser them out of my sight. Maybe it will speak like a MIGHTY Sorcerer and shout at them...YOU ARE A STUPID ASSHOLE [insert lightening cracks and thunder]

There easy to spot. Outside of the NEON GREEN safety shirt. Which, by the way was created by a Stupid Asshole to protect Stupid Assholes who sold the rights of this shirt design to some Indonesian sweat shop for millions of dollars and bitches about the fact that we don't support or stimulate our local economy enough. Save that work for the tourist. There the people that never laugh. There the ones who listen to everything "they" say. They fret and worry about everything materialistic and tell you how YOU should live YOUR life because that is what THEY said to do and then get hit by a car because they didn't wait to see if the driver saw them.

You see it is a vicious cycle and I'm convinced that Stupid People and Assholes will keep reproducing at a higher level of ignorance then before.

In closing - I think Zombieland had it right - Zombies are Stupid People and Assholes...therefore if you run into a Stupid Person or an Asshole you'll be ready. "Just Sayin"

Rule
# 1 Cardio
#2 - Double Tap
#3 - Beware of Bathrooms
#4 - Seat belts
#6 - The Skillet
#7 - Travel Light
#8 - Get a Kick ass Partner
#12 - Bounty Paper Towels
#15 - Bowling Ball
#17 - Be A Hero
#18 - Limber Up
#21 - Avoid Strip Clubs
#22 - When in Doubt Know Your Way Out
#29 - Buddy System
#31 - Check The Back Seat
#32 - Enjoy The Little Things
#33 - Swiss Army Knife.