Free Form Friday % Renee's Adventures In Skiing ~ Part One

In the not so distant past I had a pon-chon` for skiing. Like most things in my pink universe I woke up one day and said: "I want to try skiing....again". So I did. However, there is a back story about the VERY first time I went skiing at Sugar Loaf with my Aunt/Uncle and cousins. Who, by the way, have skied pretty much everywhere. Which automatically qualifies them as expert, professional or Olympic skiers to me.

Once Apon A Time........while vacationing in the great upper regions of Northern Maine,

I survived the terrifying whip of the chair lift and was griping the rail like a calf to slaughter when it occurred to me that I had no idea how to unclench my fist. Nor did I have the knowledge of what to do when I was suppose to get off said death trap chair that was blowing madly in the wind taunting me with its creaking and swaying. My instructions were, "to keep your tips up and push yourself off the chair when your feet hit the ground." I thought to myself, Ummmm OK! how about I just jump onto your back now and we can pretend that this day is never going to happen.

That little bump where you hold the tips of your ski's was like Mount Vesuvius. I could smell my own fear. Maybe it was something else, its hard to say in times of sheer terror. Then came lesson number two. These words came at me more like the Xerox dude rattling off whatever that man rattled off. "When your feet hit, point your tips towards each other, bend your knees, dig in until you stop."

Here are my list of concerns for the next 15 seconds of my life:

• what happens if I don't make it off the chair?
• will the chair hit me and cause me to die?
• can the tips of my skis actually poke into that little bump of snow?
• how do I lift, push, point, bend and stop at the same time?
• are you sure you know how to teach a person to ski?
• can I have a list of previous clients that are currently skiing the Swiss Alps?
• does anyone within arms length know CPR?
• can 14 year olds have heart attacks? I'm pretty sure I'm having one right now.
• I think I have sweated through my wind proof gloves and my hands are stuck to the metal.
• I'm also pretty certain that my ass is stuck to the seat.
• can't I just whip around and get back to the bottom that way?

So with much reluctance I hoisted my tips up held my poles like two machine guns, shoved my fanny of that chair, bent my knees and turned my tips in. If I were Nadia Comaneci I would have received a perfect 10. And there I stood with all my appendages attached feeling as if I had just concurred the world. I was rewarded with, "Not bad!! Great Job!!! Now I want you to use your poles and push yourself towards me." No problem - push push push Voila`!

My next task: "Renee,It is important that you keep your tips pointing towards each other. If you want to turn left lean onto your right ski. If you want to turn right lean onto your left ski." I'm to french to change my right to left and left to right. In reality, I already confuse my left to right and need to remind myself to use my OTHER right. I'm terrified because I'm wearing mittens and I have to hold my hands up to figure out my left from my right. I'll have to use my visualization techniques and hope for the best. Next lesson: "Renee, It is also important that you never NEVER let your ski's come together. Got it?" No....I don't got it? Whats going to happen to me if my ski's come together? I just conquered the tipup-n-shove off technique cut me some slack.

Just don't let it happen.

As my eyes finally decided to take a look around it had occurred to me that the Sun was just millimeters from my grasp. Not to steal a quote but I'm fairly certain I could see Russia from where I was standing. With my stomach lurching, my visualization techniques showing me which hand makes the L, I once again...shoved off. I slowly curved to the right, then slowly to the left. Hmmmm I can do this! Look at MEEEEE I'M SKIING!!

And then it happened. I looked down at my skis and they were parallel. My skis had united and were now on a mission to end my life. To make this story more realistic I was creating sonic booms as I whizzed by people. Or maybe it was the terrifying scream that was exploding from my body. MY SKI's are TOOOOOGETHHHHHEERRRRRRRRRRRRR GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Down the slope I went faster than Mario Andretti trying to figure out what to do. The voice of God then came slamming into my nugget of a brain advising me if you turn you'll stop going down the mountain. So I did, except there was a giant towering hunk of steel snickering at me and I wasn't going any slower. I could hear people screaming at me to stop but I hadn't got that far in my lesson plan. So I leaned to the left so I could hopefully escape splattering myself like Daffy Duck. This turn didn't help because I was picking up speed at a remarkable rate and the edge of the mountain was looming....like Wile Coyote except I'm certain there wouldn't be a little poof of dust when I hit bottom. And then it occurred to me to just drop to the ground because I didn't know what else to do. At that moment I proceeded to induce a massive sled wedgie that left a permanent scar on my fragile tail bone.

When the cheering and clapping stopped my cousin informed me that I was "totally embarrassing him" and "shoved off" I was still alive and was not dangling from a tree off a cliff. M-O-O-N that spells safe.

I'm not exactly sure what type of skill I presented during the remainder of the morning but it was obviously enough for my Uncle to drag me up to the highest mountain top slash BLACK DIAMOND trail  where I was then presented with my next life challenge.

MOGULS

{insert scary - horror movie music now}

I wanted off this mountain and I wanted to get away from these crazy people. How could my parents leave me in the care of these maniacs? I now had the whatever it takes mentality. Whatever I have to do to get off this mountain that's what I'm going to do. I was turning the page to chapter 5,984 in my Learn How To Ski In A Day workbook [subtitle - caution you may die today] when I said NO! I am all done with this. I'm all done with your lies and terrorizing. I'm going down this mountain and I'm NEVER coming back!

I did a full air borne somersault after hitting the first mogul and jammed the back of my skis up to my bindings in snow. Didn't matter....I just had to wait long enough to start breathing again and insure that I could wiggle my toes and fingers. I was on my way. Up I went trying to snow plow through snow mines of danger and destruction. Then, it happened again. Those tips conspired against me one last time and I was now on a suicide run to the finish. I hit the first mogul and launched about 5 ft. in the air. I braced for my landing and was flying like a lawn dart down the slope. I hit the second mogul 20ft up. Mind you, I'm terrified beyond belief and screaming like a raped ape but I am all done with this mountain. By the middle of this run I am amazingly still up on two legs and I see my Aunt standing at the bottom. Like metal to a magnet I was heading right for her with the speed of a  freight train gone wild. It must have been an amazing site to see. I imagine it was like a Pepe` le Pew chasing after his Me Amore [only not as calm] as I was bouncing like a rubber ball higher and higher into the air. As I sped closer to my Aunt I could see the look of terror on her face. I kept yelling at her to move out of the way, I didn't know how to stop. Like a deer to a set of head lights my Aunt just stood there.

Some how by the grace God that day I survived. I shushed to a stop as if I had been skiing all my life. Terrified and slightly dehydrated I looked at my Uncle and informed him that I would never again grace a mountain side with my being and limped off to find my parents.

Stay Tuned for Part Deux...