Have You Ever Been To Chebeague Island?

In what seems like forever ago I worked for a company called IKON Office Solutions. It was early 2000 and the Technology Sector was in the drink. We were all unemployed and working whatever job we could get our hands on. I was responsible for York and Cumberland County Maine selling Canon and Ricoh copiers. My day went like this. Knock, knock, knock. Wanna buy a copier? NO! OK. Knock, knock, knock. Wanna buy a copier? NO! Ok. Knock, knock, knock. Wanna buy a copier? It was at best the worst job I have ever had and the best job all wrapped into one little toner bundle. 

I was also responsible for upgrading existing customers and introducing them to the latest and greatest of the copier slash printer slash fax slash scanner technology. However in the state of Maine people are quite content with using the Mimeograph because they like to sniff their test papers. We're a slow bunch and live and breath by the fact that if it ain't broke don't need to fix it bub. On a perfectly glorious freezing  cold afternoon I was scheduled to meet with the Town Manager of Chebeague Island. And this is how the sale unfolded. Or unraveled. 

The town manager instructs me to take the ferry to the island. Someone will be there to pick you up. I think to my self....easy enough. This should have been my first clue. I pack up all my material - pen, notebook and calculator because if I am missing any of this my boss will dress me down in front of the client. Can't have that happen. Off we go to the ferry. Except the dock that pleasantly resides in Portland and the only dock that I know of in the entire state of Maine does not do trips to Chebeague Island. Apparently that dock is in Falmouth. Hidden and nestled quite nicely in what looks like someones personal boat launch then an actual Ferry Dock. We spent the best part of an hour trying to find this place. Joe or Tiny as I referrto him was becoming increasingly agitated with my lack of knowledge on the whereabouts of this dock. Once we found it we had to park in a lot that one could consider a landing strip located at best 15 miles away from that actual place of departure. Its winter, I'm in heels, Tiny is in a suit with no winter coat. He has become even more irate with me than the previous hour. I feel my stomach start to turn. This situation my friends is not at all going to plan. I tell him, not to worry I'm sure that there will be coffee when we get our tickets. The next boat is not for another 40 minutes. 

We arrive at our first destination frozen, out of breath and hmmmm hungry. There is no terminal. There is no electronic machine thingy to purchase a ticket. I have no cash on me only a card. There is no coffee. There is however a group of people staring at us as if we had three heads. I start to laugh because this day could not get any worse. But trust me it does. It just depends on who you were that day. The wind is blowing so hard that your face burns. I am literally so cold that it hurts my lungs to take air in. I consider holding my breath. Tiny utters this into my ear. "Pikers, I'm going to beat you to sodden pulp you stupid bird." Did I mention he is from the UK. Picture fat bastard from Austin Powers and that is my boss. No seriously, I'm not exaggerating. I laugh out loud because his grouchiness was nothing new to me. I ask a gentleman if there is a place to purchase the tickets. He kindly says to me. You must be the folks from IKON! I am somewhat surprised by this and respond that yes we are in deed from IKON.

My name is Dave. You can call me Dave but most folks on the Island call me Dave The Tree Guy. I'm goin on out today to work on some trees. [Internal thought, really? the tree guy is going to cut trees how strange] I elbow Tiny in the stomach because he starts to speak. Instead he mutters something under his breath directed towards me and I keep talking. 

How fantastic Dave The Tree Guy nice to meet you! Can you tell me where I can purchase tickets for the ferry? And in true Mainah fashion he replies with, Well I do know that you can't get them here [heahh]. But you can get them on the boat. Its $11 round trip. Happy to know this bit of information I ask, do they have a card machine on the boat? This one simple question broke the entire dock into fits of laughter. I am beyond embarrassed. I know it was a stupid question but I'm under a little pressure here! After the group collects themselves Dave The Tree Guy says, don't worry about it. I'll cover your tickets. You just send me a check. Here's my card. This my friends is why Maine is such a wonderful place. 

The boat arrives which ends up being a converted Lobster Boat and all 15 of its frozen passengers climb aboard. I listen as they discuss the events happening on the Island. They are all aware of our visit. They are all interested in what we have to offer. Come to find out. Nobody from IKON had ever come out to visit them before. We reach the island. We all shuffle off the boat. There is nobody waiting for us with a sign that reads Pike / O'Rourke. It is very, very cold. 

Tiny is pointing at the cars parked on the Island. Pikers! there are no license plates on these cars! No inspection sticker! Where the hell are we! If we get murdered...I'm going to murder you again in death! I think, fair enough. This situation is pretty dire. I can understand his frustration. As I'm scanning the horizon for a car heading towards us and not away. I call information. City and State please...Yes Chebeague Island Maine, I'm looking for [we'll change her name] Mary Place. Which one ma'am there are two on the Island. Your kidding me!? I have no idea. Just give me one and if that is the wrong person I'll call back. I dial the number, my hands are numb. brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring! In a groggy voice......hello?? Hi, Mary its Renee from IKON we're on the Island are you coming to pick us up? Her reply, oh! you've got the wrong Mary close though, she's my sister in-law...[hear loud record scratch] I'll give her a ring and let her know you're at the dock. Stay warm! click......Stay warm? STAY WARM! Is that some Maine Island humor? My boss is about three beats away from tossing me into the freezing ocean waters. I turn to Tiny and I say she's on her way.

So, we waited and then we waited some more. Tiny turns to me and says. The only thing that is going to make this worse Pikers is if she comes jetting down the road in a little tiny Subaru Outback. I can't get my fat ass into those seats. And wouldn't  you know.....here comes Mary screaming down the road with four bald tires on ice in a black Subaru Outback. I burst out laughing. Because this is going to be fun. 

I hop in the front seat and Tiny is laying sideways in the back seat. I can't look at him because I will laugh uncontrollably. Mary is extremely apologetic. The school is closed today she forgot we were coming. She is driving 65 miles an hour on a sheet of ice that I'm pretty sure if set up properly you could launch yourself back to the main land. I tell her its not a problem. I can hear Tiny grumbling. I ask if there is any place to get coffee. She said there sure is but I'm gonna give you a tour of the Island first. We saw the new school, the old school, old homes and new homes. Summer folks are called TeHe's cause they drink there tea and tehe all over the island. Summer folks are unwelcome by the people who live on the Island year round. I feel like I'm in another world. Tiny is still laying sideways in the back. He is now with no shame telling me how much he hates me. I tell Mary to ignore him. He's just hungry. 

She drives us to her Dad's house who won the Lobstah Boat Races last summah. He put a couple of jet engines off the back and blew them out of the water. I am in shock and amazement that someone would actually have the nads to put jet engines on a lobster boat. Tiny is now sitting up like a big boy. Peering outside at the boat named Bessy. We meet her parents. We drive buy where her husband is working. Its Dave The Tree Guy!!! She receives a call. We're on our way she says. 

We arrive at the local general store slash post office slash bank. The door opens and I am instantly hit with the smell of fresh blueberry muffins and coffee. A group of people are there waiting for us. The muffins were freshly made....You must be the people from IKON! Welcome to our Island. I feel a bit uncomfortable. We are almost being treated like royalty. Tiny tells me not to make a pig of myself on the blueberry muffins. I glare at him with my most potent death stare and he looks away. I'm informed that there is an ATM machine but it is only used in emergencies. They don't want the whole Island coming over to withdraw money. I am then informed that a meeting will be held at the school and we are waiting for Joan, The Island Librarian. We eat our muffins and head back to the school. Seven people in total show up for this meeting. It is a little overwhelming but they are perfectly clear on their needs for the school and library. 

Back to Joan - The Librarian. Joan is an hippie from way back. She came blasting up to the general store in a Datsun pick up truck that is older than me. There were fishing buoy's hanging off both doors. Bumper stickers that were holding the tailgate shut and a whole in the bottom of the bed that should make small children very, very nervous. Joan is dressed in a hippie dress with gray long frizzy hair and a personality that makes you feel as if you have known her all your life. I instantly like her for this reason......she turns to Tiny and says take her for a spin. Terror crosses his face. I immediately burst into a fit of laughter. She accuses him of being chicken. Tiny takes the keys. We both assume that she is going to sit in the front on the smallest bench seat known to man. Good thing the Island is small. Instead she walks right around to the truck bed, hops in, opens a fold out chair and sits down. I can no longer see. I am laughing so hard my face is purple. Because next to me is Tiny, trying to figure out how to get into the car. I inform him that the seat is all the way back. Joan informs him that the brakes are a bit touchy. He proceeds to start ranting and swearing and this only makes me laugh harder. Joan proceeds to read a book and I, still in giant fits of laughter inform Tiny that he is being initiated into the state of Maine. He is quite convinced that we are going to die as we take a turn at a ridiculous speed and skid halfway across the road because, well, nobody has new tires on their cars.   

We are heading back towards the ferry at mock speed. The steering wheel is cutting off circulation to Tiny's legs along with interfering with his stomach. We are going down hill. Joan yells for us to park the car at the Inn. She would like to show us the new renovations that have been done. I am still laughing. Tiny is laying full on the breaks yelling at me that we are going to crash. I tell him don't do that, then we won't get to see the new renovations. He swears at me for the 8 billionth time that day and I continue to laugh at him. We are less than 20 feet from the hotel. The car has come no wheres near slowing down. 15 feet Tiny is screaming like a girl. 10 feet I tell him to use the emergency break. 5 feet we spin around like The Dukes of Hazard. 3.75 inches from the building I hear Joan through the dust say. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to figure that out. 

I fall out of the truck -- I'm close to having an accident. I help Joan out who mysteriously stayed put through the entire 360 degree turn we made. Tiny is stuck in the truck. We decide to go in and give him a moment to collect himself. Joan turns to me and says, Now that was fun!.

Indeed it was. In the end we made two more trips back to the Island. Re-payed Dave The Tree Guy and sold a total of five copiers to the Island. They are a lovely and crazy Pinah bunch out there. But they know their kind and will mess with an outsider at any opportunity. 

If you're ever in the area you should definitely make the visit. I leave finding the ferry up to you!