Patience

There are days when my PATIENCE wears thin. It is a constant battle between finding an inner calmness or raging like a machine. At every turn I have to step back and ask myself: What lesson can you learn from this? It is a challenge. 

I sometimes find myself living in the land of superiority. Have you ever been there? Perhaps we have met before? These trips usually consist of me always being right and everyone around me is a raging lunatic. One quality that intrigues me is the fact that people need to talk about themselves in a better light than the reality. I ask, what is so wrong with the reality? In my reality, I get up every weekday and go to work., to a job that I find very difficult, with little reward mentally. Some days Geoff will ask me how my day went and when I do a 10 second recap in my head I think...ugggh why bother him with this? It is not because we do not share...we share more than anyone I know. Its just at that very moment I haven't processed the day through. I cannot articulate an emotion at that given moment. So why discuss what you can't articulate?

It is hard to please people. They are extremely demanding. But then again so am I. In fact, my expectations are so high that I find I'm constantly shocked and dismayed at the lengths people will go to leave work early. And somewhere circulating through my brain are the words: "Honesty is the best policy". "Tell the truth and shame the Devil." Which is quickly backed up with....Mamma always said if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me." Yes I do have a little Angel and Devil sitting on each shoulder. 

Over the last couple of weeks I have been posed with a challenge of all challenges. Trying to find patience. When Geoff and I have guest over our house which we often do. It is an event. It is special. It is planned to ensure that who ever is coming over will enjoy the food, music, dogs and our company. Its not that I feel pressure to please them in this manner. For one reason it makes me happy to do this. The other reason is that you are having guest over. You invited them into your home. It doesn't even matter how long you may have known the person. You have invited people - you should at a minimum pretend to care about yourself and how you present yourself. If I wanted to feel as if I needed to fend for myself I could have stayed home. But  again, patience has shown me that once you chip away at all the illusion you can clearly see that someone is so unhappy or depressed that they can't see the forest for the trees.

I'm a very emotional person. Perhaps you have heard one of my outburst shake the Earth? I tend to be a WHAT ABOUT ME.... kind of girl. Simply put I used to be quite the Drama Queen. I have the t-shirt to prove it. I see things differently because I always try to see both sides of the coin. Although I can understand, possibly relate or even empathize I can also understand how or why that other person may be feeling. I don't have any answers to this crazy thing called life. But I do try to be respectful. [..well I'm much more respectful now than I use to be.] of other peoples situations. I could have a flurry of things happening in my life and somehow the subject will turn back to them. Most recently I have found myself asking myself...Self? How did we get here?

And then I start to go down the path of...well do I really care? Does this person even respect the fact "I" just maybe having a horrid day. Obviously not because I was interrupted or spoken over so why should I care about someones sorrow and woes when they don't have the decency to care about mine? I get frustrated and start to analyze all aspects and I can say with my hand over my heart that I tend to surround myself with very needy people. I want to be needed. Isn't that what we all want in the end? To be needed, to be loved?

Am I perfect? Geoff thinks so...well he could find something horrid but I know where he lives. No! I am not. In fact I don't even know what perfect is?  I can think of a number of issues that consume my thoughts. I'm to fat, small teeth, didn't do enough around the house, blah blah blah...But what do these thoughts really mean? And why look to others for reassurance? If you're going to have a pity fest because you know that they will make you feel better about these things then look at yourself and "try" to see what they see. Again...this is a never ending lesson in patience with yourself. 

So when you're feeling as if Life has handed you yet another pound of poo take some quick stock. Here are my quick picks.

Did your feet touch the ground this morning? Yes..then you get to try it again and do better.

Do you have people in your life that love you? Yes...then make sure that you tell them you love them back. And if you know that someone is lonely....reach out to them.

Are you allowing space to be rented in your head with people's thoughts, words and opinions that you have no control over? Yes...then you need to let it go. I find that letting go of people who don't make me feel good about myself are not really the people that I want in my life. 

And then - you take a deep breath....pray for a little patience and wonder....what is it that I will learn today?